We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
