If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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