i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
