One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
