we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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