Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
