mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
