Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
