I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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