Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
