He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I am one with the molecules
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
