So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
