Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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