I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
