hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
