remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
