Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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