I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Alive.
So much puke
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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