what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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