Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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