farters have to be the big spoon...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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