My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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