I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
