she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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