I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
