I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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