i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The feeling are messing with the penis
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Randomize
