The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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