how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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