I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
