you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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