i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
So squirting runs in the family.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
