and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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