In the future we'll all be gay
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
