I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Don't make out with my wife yet
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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