Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
