just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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