So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
