Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
