i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
