Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
