I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
