Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
