We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
