I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We left the knife in your bed.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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