I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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