I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
