I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
