Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
