Already got asked if we're dating
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
