Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
