God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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