I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I think i peed on brittanys purse
if only i could text you this smell
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
