I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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