He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
