Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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