Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
